Thursday, August 20, 2009

Being a Big Girl

First off, I want to address the title of this post. No, it is not a self deprecating comment about my height or weight, ( in fact I am finally able to fit into my daisy dukes, which I haven't been able to wear for about a year. Whadup, vegetarianism!!)

This post is about me being a grown up. Or learning to be. It's been hard, as it should be I suppose, moving away from home to a city where I don't really know anyone. But I'm surviving, and I dare say, truly enjoying the little life I've made for myself up here. I've been working a lot, sort of saving money, I've made friends, I've gotten to know some of the city's best cafes and restaurants and local events, and I start school in 5 days. I have a reason to be here, and the thought of having to leave for any reason makes me genuinely sad. Sad to leave the city that I am proud to call my home.

There are funny (not funny "haha", funny peculiar) moments where I feel like a 35 year old, and others where I feel like a lost child. More often than not, though, I feel like things are moving at a good steady pace, and am embracing the prospects of adulthood as I near my 20th birthday.

That being said, the future is scary and uncertain in so many ways, and being the chronic worry wart that I am, this is a constant damper on my San Francisco joie de vivre. Career wise I have no idea what I should do. Or where I can/should do it. I'm really liking the idea of being a writer: screen, blogs, entertainment magazines. I love the idea of being involved in film, and now and then my heart aches for the stage. But then I make myself a nice little dinner and remember my love of foodie culture and haute cuisine... and the I use a phrase like "haute cuisine" and I miss studying French!! Plus, the Cal State "general ed" system paired with budget cuts hasn't really offered me anything of real interest or personal significance, so I have at least another year of bullshit classes. I keep wondering if it's worth it. And what happens if and when I graduate? Do I move back to LA or stay here? If I stay here what on earth will I do and how will I pay for it??? 

(I apologize for the rambling and excessive use of punctuation, but I just finished a much needed double cappuccino, and let me say, when I am caffeinated blog inspiration strikes like lightening.)

In short I feel like I have it together, on a day-to-day basis, but as for the future? Total crap shoot.

Is it always going to be like this?

On a lighter note, let's finish with a song, shall we?

I just recently watched "Punch Drunk Love" and looooved it. I love everything that P.T. Anderson does, especially the music he uses. Specifically Jon Brion's stuff. It's just money in the bank. I liked this song so much that I posted it on facebook, and my cool former coworker, Ana, "liked" and so did Mikey B, so I'm quite certain that I'm not alone in my love of this song.

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